Thursday 1 October 2015

Hemantha Kalam - 36 "Aging is Hell?"

“In youth we run into difficulties (and) in old age difficulties run into us.”
--Beverly Sills

I have been mulling on writing this piece for quite some time, but I felt I am still not that old and I can really wait. But it does look like old age is being thrust upon me – more by external forces than by the biological stages. Well, I am still on my journey and am waiting for more surprises.

But, as most of the times, a feature by Zubeda Hamid, in today’s The Hindu (http://www.thehindu.com/todays-paper/tp-national/tp-tamilnadu/dignity-of-life-still-eludes-the-elderly/article7709415.ece) on account of the ‘World Geriatric Day’, triggered my thoughts and coaxed me into writing this, a tad earlier than I wished to. So I prefer to make this pondering as Part-1 and a few years later, depending on many other considerations, I would endeavour to write more or differently maybe, and if I am around to do that.

The feature, in The Hindu, aptly says that ‘The ageing body finds relief, but not the weary mind’. The statistics reel out that the life expectancy, over 13 years, has increased by about 12% for men and by about 18% for women. This translates into longer struggles and deeper pain.

The breaking of the Joint Family system, in India, has quietly seen the withdrawal of the insulating systems, leaving everyone concerned coping with stress and anxiety. Work related stress spills over into the family life, rendering even small and insignificant incidents causing much abuse and again the statistics reel out that the abuse (disrespect, verbal abuse and economic exploitation) faced by the oldest (80+ in age) is manifold and the abuse borne by the women (at 53%) is much higher than the men (at 48%).
   
For most part of our youth we are answerable to our parents. Almost all our middle age is spent on being answerable to our ‘bosses’ – at office and / or at home. And the rest of the life seems to be answerable to our progeny – all in the name of affection, love and sacrifice. The hell, with it! When will we live life our own way, then?

A little boy, known to the family, apparently has his eyes on the clock and the calendar as he is in a hurry and wants to grow fast, so that he can be more on his own. Now, what a blunder it could turn out to be, if only he could realise it. The more independent one wants to be, the more regrettable the society makes the life for one.

A few years ago, while just entering into his 80s, my beloved father, in his mid-80s now, confided in me that he found ‘aging to be a hell’ I nodded my head in understanding and passed some remarks in empathy. 

He is quite an energetic man and loves to be in the company of people and spending his retired time either doing some household work or conversing with some neighbours or a visitor. He had been diagnosed with heart problems and at an age of 72 or so we, his children, made it clear that he cannot use his bicycle, his passport to freedom, anymore. He certainly was unhappy, but was gracious enough not to put up much of a resistance.

Ever since, he almost became a couch potato indulging in the soap operas, films and the various religious programmes beamed out by any number of channels, over the Television. Yes, he still religiously pores over two newspapers, in two languages, every day; help my mother with the household chores. But then there it is; he is bound to the house. His unhappiness increased when there has been competition for the viewing rights on the TV from other members of the family. So, seeking a change from the monotony, every time he meets a visitor, be it his own children or kith or others, his eyes light up!

Of late, when I myself started experiencing several constraints, mostly by external forces, I realise that I agree with him. When you start growing older, as Gabriel Garcí­a Márquez, said ‘What happens is that you don’t feel it on the inside, but from the outside everybody can see it’. My own mother often says that the aging is only to the body, but the mind, until one becomes senile, is eternally young.

First blow to me was, when riding my motorized two-wheeler was restricted or nearly banned, as that became a cause to worry that my ‘rash’ driving could endanger me or the others; this, when I hardly crossed 40s. Small mercy that I am still allowed to drive my car! So today, with the freedom of my mobility taken away, even to cover short distances, I either have to walk or jostle with sweating and stinking crowds in a public transport, because parking cars can be worse hell now. And other modes of transport is not friendly on the pocket.

Then came the restrictions on 'excesses' like watching TV, surfing internet, listening to music (old songs or gaudy songs, not suitable to be heard by persons of my 'age'), talking, eating (don't eat this, eat with less salt, no pickles etc. etc.,) and what not? All I see now are excessive restrictions J

And restrictions need not always be from the offspring. It can be from the ‘off-side’ (spouse) too. Yes, all in the name of love and affection J
  
No, I do not doubt the affection, concern and love because I am aware that it is all genuine and because the loss of their beloved could not be seen by them. And NO, I am not abused either as I am cared for, respected (I think) and surely there is no economic exploitation.  

But then, this is the time I was longing for and looking forward to, to do what I like to; to indulge in what I like, without much of a care or concern for job related pressures.

An old colleague of mine always used to say that he envied me for the amount of material that I had collected for my ‘retirement’. Yes I do. I have collected so much to earn the sobriquet ‘Kuppa Collector’ (Garbage Collector). Painstakingly, I had built a library but finally when I wanted to relax and read books while lying down because of spondylitis, my bifocals do not permit me to. So my daughter gifted me with her Kindle. Once I started using that, objections are raised that the light emitted by Kindle disturbs and destroys "the other's" sleep.  

I know I have reached that stage of life when if someone tells me to pull up my socks, I don’t need to J But increasingly I find that the restrictions imposed or ‘innuendoed’ cramp my space and that I am steadily constricted. And for a person who chafes at authority, nothing could be worser.  

If these are the thoughts of a person, who has to still cross 60, I am sure what my father felt and meant. Aging, indeed, seems to be hell! Yes, dear Dad, I agree with you totally.

After all of this, my advice to all youngsters is “do whatever you want to do now and do not wait till the ‘retirement’” which could finally turn out to be a damp squib, after all, and for no fault of yours except, damn it, aging!


Well, folks, what do you think? Please, do tell me! 

Till then, 

Krutagjnatalu (Telugu), Nanri (Tamil), Dhanyavaadagalu (Kannada), Nanni (Malayalam), Dhanyavaad (Hindi), Dhanyosmi (Sanskrit), Thanks (English), Dhonyavaad (Bangla), Gracias (Spanish), Grazie (Italian), Danke Schon (Deutsche), Merci (French), Obrigado (Portuguese), Shukraan (Arabic), Shukriya (Urdu), Sthoothiy (Sinhalese), Aw-koon (Khmer), Kawp Jai Lhai Lhai (Laotian), Kob Kun Krab (Thai), Asante (Kiswahili), Maraming Salamat sa Lahat (Pinoy-Tagalog-Filipino), Tack (Swedish) and Fa'afetai (Samoan).

Hemantha Kumar Pamarthy
Chennai, India



23 comments:

  1. I read this a few days ago and interestingly is about old age..I want to follow it for old age..but lets see..
    http://www.ishafoundation.org/blog/lifestyle/what-to-do-when-you-retire-life-after-retirement/

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  2. Thank you dear Padma Somanchi, for your time, indulgence and thoughts! But different things work / not work differently for different persons! :-)

    Best wishes

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  3. I stopped counting after 40

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    1. :-) :-) :-) Thank you for your time and indulgence Mr. Raghavan! :-)

      Best wishes

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  4. Thanks for a beautiful write up 'AGING IS HELL'

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  5. Thank you for your time and indulgence Mr. Satsangi! Much appreciated and obliged! :-)

    Best wishes

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  6. Replies
    1. What do you mean by foresight Mr. Raghavan, I am already in! :-) :-) :-)

      Best wishes

      Delete
  7. At 73 + I enjoyed your writing and enjoing my life happily without any 'don't ' from my good hearts at home and out.so thank GOD

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    1. GOD blessed you so let him continue to do that Mr. VIVI :-) Thank you for your time and indulgence! :-)

      Best wishes

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  8. Thank you so kindly for your time and indulgence! If only I could have 'known' you other than as 'unknown'! :-)

    Best wishes

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  9. Dear Mr Pamarthy
    Remember me?An ex-SBI who had a long session with you at your Chennai Offic
    around six years back for exploring some innovations on microfinance related CB areas
    I have been a regular admirer of your blogs and never miss them as all of them reveal your life-experience and truths that emerge from a rare Sangam" of the heart.the mind and the brain.
    Shall be in touch and my reflections and contributions to the thoughts "geriatric"
    Baladeb Sen
    MF Consultant
    Kolkata

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    Replies
    1. Sen Da,

      How I can I forget you? Though I did want to do some work with you (truly no excuse) I just could not do so due to office compulsions. How have you been? Looks like you are no more in Chennai. I have left the 9 to 5 services in 2012 and am doing consultancy in CSR and a bit of MF teaching!

      I am grateful to note that you spend time on my periodic ramblings! Kindly do keep in touch as and when you could. I shall touch base with you when I am in Kolkata next!

      Thank you so much once again!

      Best wishes

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    2. Currently I am engaged in some research on Corruption,economic development and how their interrelationship affects the poor.The evil of corruption has been historically associated with the progress of civilization and no nation,rich or poor has succeeded in weeding out corruption acknowledged as a potent danger hampering and even destroying healthy societies all over the world
      Your perceived difficulties of the aging process can be greatly reduced by fine tuning the dynamics of man's ego and expectations For me at 75,I have achieved reasonable success Baladeb Sen

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  10. I can sympathize with the bifocals part but, as long as your body lets you do X and Y, lovingly remind your offspring that they, too, shall be "old-ish" some day and do that X and Y and even some new Zs!

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    Replies
    1. Ha ha Mr. Cohn! Thank you so much! Much appreciated and much obliged, indeed! :-)

      Best wishes

      Delete
  11. I am sorry Hemantha (I think I am old enough and you wouldn't mind me) but reading your words does not surprise me that you are indeed on the road to hell. Maybe paved with the best intentions nevertheless! Growing old is the opposite of growing into youth. You gain physical prowess, mental acumen, accolades, achievements, wealth, spouse, children etc as you grow into youth. But as you grow old all these fall away. Finally death severs all your connections to this world. Why not accept this fully and die while living on this earth? How? Lets begin with removing all shoulds from our life. Let life be as it is. No conditions or compulsions. Let us stop imposing our will on others, be they our spouse or even children. Allow them to live their lives. Can I work to be still and not need anything, even books or TV, to keep me occupied? Can I enjoy my own company quietly and when available, the company of anyone else who happens to be near without demanding anything from them?
    I think I have shown you a hint on how to age with dignity. As I look forward to my death with open arms (I am 55), I work to live my present moment fully, one moment at a time.

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    Replies
    1. No issue Mr. K R V Hari ( I am a few years older than you) :-)

      Thank you so much for your time, indulgence and for sharing your thoughts! Mighty appreciated and obliged!

      Best wishes

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  12. I agree with you Hemantha,
    When you have a young mind, mischievous also, ageing can be hell. I was so used to being able to do things that I cannot at the moment that is frustrates me. Yes! I know what you mean by being home bound. I sold my car as it was rotting from non-usage. I could get around in m y children's cars so it was not so bad. Now our faithful chauffeur decided he was too old too, so thats the end of that and yes, parking is hell.
    Apart from that, guess I am quite happy that the only thing that counts hasn't dulled much..... now where was I? :) Oh yes! My curiosity has not dulled and I want to learn a little more about everything. Reading your post was fun and I look forward to more.
    I hate ageing too, bu t am grateful for a very full life. My only wish is to be able to pass from this phase into the next without being a nuisance to anyone. At almost 65 will be there early next year, it is my only worry.
    My best regards as usual, and thanks again.
    Doc

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  13. Thank you, so kindly, Doctor for your thoughts!

    Sometime during my mid-thirtees I gave up worrying and started floating in time allowing it to take me wherever it wants to. Thus I too always say that if I have to croak this minute I will rest a satisfied human being.

    But as you again rightly gauzed, it is the mischievousness that makes me write all this. After all I too need to fill my time! :-)

    Thanks so much indeed! Yes, hopefully you can expect more from me in due course of time!

    Best wishes

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